IRONY

the irony
of the title of this blog
is that many of my conversations
are uneasy
and even in my realization of this
i find it difficult
to change things
i thought that this{blog} would be
my space and time
to set my mind free
and let my emotions
wander
but i dont exist
digitally

had an epiphany today
followed by another
and found myself back where I started

need a new thought
but every muse
i could find
to inspire me
has betrayed every
drop of common sense
i thought i owned

youll find no lessons
to be learned here
idle chatter
heard someone say
"we tend to focus
on what we dont have; on 
whats not going right"
if i stopped telling that story
of what i dont have
the next will emerge

and the discovery
of the next story
is exactly the conversation
id rather be having right now

Music Break: Solange Knowles "Losing You"

Beyonce Knowles-Carter is a brilliant performer but her sister Solange has, in my opinion, has become a style icon, talented writer, and a conceptual artist. Her lyrical content is honest. She tells stories that could happen to anyone but the way she pairs her stories with music video treatments adds a different dimension. Often I want to to join in on the fun I see on-screen. Comparatively, her appeal isn't as broad as her older sister's but I think she' quite comfortable with that; which makes me like her more. She's the odd girl in the back of the class who doesn't seek attention but gets it anyway.

A blog could be created solely focusing on her fashion sense. She invented color-blocking (well, that's probably a stretch). Her thrift store couture and adventurous coifs are ahead of her time. Her most recent single "Losing You" barely shows her expansive vocal range but the melody invites you to memorize the chorus before the second verse hits.

Back to the video tho, its' a composite of shots taken seemingly in an African nation that features well-dressed, dapper men posing in HBCU drum major-like fashions as candid frames of on-lookers are intertwined in the production. It's like watching a music video and the behind the scenes footage at the same time. Nothing new necessarily, many artists have had similar styles but the quirkiness of Solange's "dancing" makes my heart happy. Never taking herself too seriously she adds movements that are lighthearted and playful; but my favorite nuance is that her calmer self consistently shines in brief flashes of cinematography. (So, it's obvious that I'm a big fan by now -right?)

I look forward to Solange's upcoming projects and hope that she just the much due recognition (GRAMMY NOM -at least) that she deserves.

And All I Ever Wanted Was...

...the tall, strong, revolutionary type
whose first mission was his family.

I could have known him once or twice
but I never acknowledged his presence
cause all i ever wanted was to know he existed
I could never imagine him
climbing into my reality

Now its hard to separate
fact from fiction
can't remember what actions to hold myself accountable for
and all I ever wanted was
a house with seven children
all named after black pioneers
jazz music and hip hop simmering in the background
me kissing him like I did when we first fell
wreaths on the front door
arms outstretched

all I ever wanted was
a dreamer to dream with
and a partner to build reality
someone's hand to hold
if the world ever ends
someone who makes me smile

all I ever wanted was
charismatic militance
dark effervescence
discomforting freedom
brilliant imperfection

short poem about situations i cant control

I fear for them

sometimes i think they were born at the end of a dream
like seconds after they screamed their first breath into this world

the lights came on

and the party was over

100 Questions

1.) Who is God?
2.) What is my purpose in life?
3.) Who am I?
4.) Am I loved?
5.) Is my life aligned with my purpose?
6.) Who can I be honest around?
7.) What are my long-term goals?
8.) Will I be disappointed in myself if I don't have children?
9.) Will I be disappointed if I never marry?
10.) Am I clingy?
11.) Do I own up to my mistakes?
12.) How can I save more money?
13.) Am I a good friend?
14.) Will I be a good partner?
15.) Am I growing up?
16.) Is anything I'm doing brand new?   <--bullshit question
17.) Am I grateful?
18.) Do the people who matter most know that they matter?
19.) What makes me happy?
20.) Am I level-headed?
21.) Do i dream too much?
22.) Why do I create fantasies for myself?
23.) Am I the best I can be?
24.) Do I embrace growth?
25.) Do I know who I am?
26.) Do I know what I want out of life?
27.) Am I living?
28.) What am I good at?
29.) Do I nurture my relationships?
30.) Do I have a defeatist attitude?
31.) Do i know how valuable I am?
32.) Do I over-think my actions?
33.) Am I present?
34.) Am I honest with myself?
35.) Do I know my strength?
36.) What are my expectations of others?
37.) Do i have the right set of role models?
38.) Who are my role models?
39.) Am I stubborn?
40.) Why am I a community planner?
41.) Why do I act nonchalant about things that matter to me?
42.) Am I a brat?
43.) How am I growing?
44.) Am I naive?
45.) Do I present myself with class?
46.) Do I act with confidence?
47.) Am I too vulnerable?
48.) How can I achieve balance?
49.) What makes me feel strong?
50.) Do I acknowledge my accomplishment?
51.) Do I speak my mind?
52.) Have I been paying attention?
53.) Do I embrace intimacy?
54.) Do I look up to Drag Queens too often?
55.) What am I passionate about?
56.) What is love?
57.) How can I reach my full potential?
58.) What am I afraid of?
59.) How can I tell people how they make me feel in a way that is valuable to both parties?
60.) Why do I seek attention?
61.) Who do I seek attention from?
62.) Do I make it difficult to be intimate with me?
63.) What is the root of my self-esteem issues?
64.) Why have I closed off my ability to get close to men for so long?
65.) Am I more than I think I am?
66.) In what ways have I undervalued myself?
67.) What makes me a good friend?
68.) What positive traits would I bring to a relationship?
69.) How much should I care about how others see me?
70.) Why do i allow myself to get trapped in useless thoughts?
71.) What is my deepest fear?
72.) How do I make the world a better place?
73.) What do people remember about me?
74.) Do others enjoy my company?
75.) What can I change about the way people treat me?
76.) What song best describes me?
77.) If I were a color, which color would I be?
78.) Are my expectations attainable?
79.) What energy do I attract?
80.) Do people think I'm fragile?
81.) Do I think I'm fragile?
82.) Am I fulfilled?
83.) What do I live for?
84.) Do I acknowledge my beauty?
85.) What frightens me?
86.) What could I do with my life that I'm not currently doing?
87.) What brings me peace?
88.) How do I express gratitude?
89.) Am I honest?
90.) What part of myself do I give to others?
91.) What habits should I give up?
92.) How could I make more money?
93.) What are my talents?
94.) What would make me smile more?
95.) Who am I becoming?
96.) Do I control my future?
97.) What do I see when I look in the mirror?
98.) Do I feel safe in my fantasy world?
99.) Can I handle honesty?
100.) Where do I see myself in 3 years?

mis-education of fran

i see him

him white boy

him sits in back of class -an gets to say

everything thats on his mind

offends my kind

and whether he is doin this on purpose

I don't know

but minds/(mines) won't grow

if I dont understand what he is thinkin

raise my hand

and say my peace,

BUT

all of them are looking when I speak

i think i'm meek

then instantly they know it too

spells to undo

overcompensate by yelling

then suddenly I am telling them the truth

so much to say but rarely speak my heart

Reflections of Self in Music

I heard this song on my way to class. Initially the sound of Nat King Cole's voice soothed me, but the words had a contradictory effect. He was killing me softly. Have I become Mona Lisa? In the song he speaks of a cold woman with a charming smile. The only difference between me and this Mona character is that I don't smile that often. I tend to over-exaggerate though, and I'm very hard on myself, but to a certain extent that's how we all are right? Anyway, the point of this post to express the power of music. I love how on an ordinary day I can turn on Pandora and the music gods bestow me with a bevy of tunes that make me think, or cry, or even smile suspiciously like Mona Lisa. The feeling reminds me of  Musiq Soulchild Concert I attented a few years back where he led the crowd in singing a song comprised of a few simple lyrics, "I love music, any kind of music". Well said Musiq Soulchild, I concur.


I must warn anyone who dares to read the jumble of thoughts that I produce: The following post will likely change subject several times before I reach my final point. Now that that's done,...I listened to Hard Hearted Hannah by Ella Fitzgerald for the first time a few months ago and didn't think much of it except, for the final line, "oo wee she's sweet as sour milk". Again, I thought that hard-hearted Hannah described me.

The feelings I've had were recently confirmed when one of my best friends told me that I make it hard to get to know me. I solicited her opinion but still found myself shocked at what I already knew to be true. I walk around with a 20ft wall around me. and in total contradiction of myself I emote endlessly.

Where's the reconciliation? Well, I guess I have to find another song for that. :)

Ingredients of Love

I've been spending the past few days in self discovery mode, attempting to create a list of 'bare minimums'. I've gone from not being able to write anything to creating a semi-exhaustive list of feelings I want to be free to express and attributes I'd like him to posses. Truth is, I think I spend too much time on the subject matter of love. Part of me feels like it goes against everything I stand for as a realist; another part of me thinks that love is the biggest quest in life and deserves the inklings of want that I devote to it.

I'm a recovering undercover over-lover. I adore men. Strong black men, esp. Possibly to a fault. I've created a catalog in my head of wondrous traits of men I've known and one day I'll met my composite sketch who, "adores me" and "is comfortable with my adoration of him", according to this list I've created. But all of this may be a little too idealistic unfortunately (which means I'm lying to myself when I say I'm a realist).

Bare minimums (things I cannot, will not live without):
-He must be able to take care of his own responsibilities.
-Passionate about something (or a few things).
-He must believe in the value of education (formal, trade, or other).
-Family oriented.
-Wants children, preferably with one woman.
-Believes in something bigger than himself, i.e. God.
-Challenges himself professionally, personally, spiritually.
-Not an asshole.
-Doesn't take himself too seriously.
-Loves to travel.
-He's a friend and teammate.
-Adores me.
-Comfortable with my adoration of him.

I realize that some of what I've written will prove itself overtime. But this is a quick notation of where I am. Years from now, thanks to the power of technology, I'll look back on this list and note the changes but for now this makes for a great opener on a first date.

So what are you passionate about? Me, figuring out the ingredients of love (well, it's a side hobby anyway). :)

Angie Stone & Musiq Soulchild:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAXNzjmLaOc

-Everything reminds me of a song.

Laughter

I'm laughing hysterically at myself and the things I can't change or control
things i thought I could
why shouldn't I laugh at myself when words can be too tart or too thick to swallow?
What else could there be for me,
-but laughter
or air

I need air
Life knocks at my front door for reality checks daily
and there's little room for me now
so let me breathe here
as bubbly and chipper and round full music
blasting to my favorite song

I lost the heir in my imagination
and i can't breathe or laugh
-and why shouldn't I laugh at myself when words can be so soft and supple?
like marshmellows
so let me laugh then
at my own joke even
and no one gets it but me

I need laughter