mis-education of fran

i see him

him white boy

him sits in back of class -an gets to say

everything thats on his mind

offends my kind

and whether he is doin this on purpose

I don't know

but minds/(mines) won't grow

if I dont understand what he is thinkin

raise my hand

and say my peace,

BUT

all of them are looking when I speak

i think i'm meek

then instantly they know it too

spells to undo

overcompensate by yelling

then suddenly I am telling them the truth

so much to say but rarely speak my heart

Reflections of Self in Music

I heard this song on my way to class. Initially the sound of Nat King Cole's voice soothed me, but the words had a contradictory effect. He was killing me softly. Have I become Mona Lisa? In the song he speaks of a cold woman with a charming smile. The only difference between me and this Mona character is that I don't smile that often. I tend to over-exaggerate though, and I'm very hard on myself, but to a certain extent that's how we all are right? Anyway, the point of this post to express the power of music. I love how on an ordinary day I can turn on Pandora and the music gods bestow me with a bevy of tunes that make me think, or cry, or even smile suspiciously like Mona Lisa. The feeling reminds me of  Musiq Soulchild Concert I attented a few years back where he led the crowd in singing a song comprised of a few simple lyrics, "I love music, any kind of music". Well said Musiq Soulchild, I concur.


I must warn anyone who dares to read the jumble of thoughts that I produce: The following post will likely change subject several times before I reach my final point. Now that that's done,...I listened to Hard Hearted Hannah by Ella Fitzgerald for the first time a few months ago and didn't think much of it except, for the final line, "oo wee she's sweet as sour milk". Again, I thought that hard-hearted Hannah described me.

The feelings I've had were recently confirmed when one of my best friends told me that I make it hard to get to know me. I solicited her opinion but still found myself shocked at what I already knew to be true. I walk around with a 20ft wall around me. and in total contradiction of myself I emote endlessly.

Where's the reconciliation? Well, I guess I have to find another song for that. :)

Ingredients of Love

I've been spending the past few days in self discovery mode, attempting to create a list of 'bare minimums'. I've gone from not being able to write anything to creating a semi-exhaustive list of feelings I want to be free to express and attributes I'd like him to posses. Truth is, I think I spend too much time on the subject matter of love. Part of me feels like it goes against everything I stand for as a realist; another part of me thinks that love is the biggest quest in life and deserves the inklings of want that I devote to it.

I'm a recovering undercover over-lover. I adore men. Strong black men, esp. Possibly to a fault. I've created a catalog in my head of wondrous traits of men I've known and one day I'll met my composite sketch who, "adores me" and "is comfortable with my adoration of him", according to this list I've created. But all of this may be a little too idealistic unfortunately (which means I'm lying to myself when I say I'm a realist).

Bare minimums (things I cannot, will not live without):
-He must be able to take care of his own responsibilities.
-Passionate about something (or a few things).
-He must believe in the value of education (formal, trade, or other).
-Family oriented.
-Wants children, preferably with one woman.
-Believes in something bigger than himself, i.e. God.
-Challenges himself professionally, personally, spiritually.
-Not an asshole.
-Doesn't take himself too seriously.
-Loves to travel.
-He's a friend and teammate.
-Adores me.
-Comfortable with my adoration of him.

I realize that some of what I've written will prove itself overtime. But this is a quick notation of where I am. Years from now, thanks to the power of technology, I'll look back on this list and note the changes but for now this makes for a great opener on a first date.

So what are you passionate about? Me, figuring out the ingredients of love (well, it's a side hobby anyway). :)

Angie Stone & Musiq Soulchild:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAXNzjmLaOc

-Everything reminds me of a song.

Laughter

I'm laughing hysterically at myself and the things I can't change or control
things i thought I could
why shouldn't I laugh at myself when words can be too tart or too thick to swallow?
What else could there be for me,
-but laughter
or air

I need air
Life knocks at my front door for reality checks daily
and there's little room for me now
so let me breathe here
as bubbly and chipper and round full music
blasting to my favorite song

I lost the heir in my imagination
and i can't breathe or laugh
-and why shouldn't I laugh at myself when words can be so soft and supple?
like marshmellows
so let me laugh then
at my own joke even
and no one gets it but me

I need laughter

Why do we believe in God?

I posted a sign written in pink highlighter that asked, "Why do we believe in God?". The brainstorm of an answer to this question came to me about a week ago while I was calling on Him. At the time I was in need, a deep sincere need that could only be understood from a view outside of myself. So I called God's name and instantly felt peace. To me that peace came from knowing that I wasn't alone, and that I could look both inside and outside of my situation for solutions...

Religious Experience(s) - Beliefs

I spoke to God recently while standing at the top of a mountain so high up I thought I could taste a cloud.

What's important to know is that for the last 3 years I've been on a spiritual journey. Once I became a god-mother I realized that I was to be in charge of assisting in my god-daughter's spiritual development, I task that I want to pursue under thoughtful consideration. So, I deprogrammed everything I had been taught about religion, faith, and saviors; and decided to create my own set of beliefs to follow.

These are my conclusions/beliefs:

• There is a God. A supreme being whose image and spirit has been duplicated millions of times in each of us. Because of this belief I also conclude that we all are alike in some way, but being human we are at times more prone to see our differences.
• The holy trinity exists in all of us. We are God the father, the son, and the spirit. To me this means that God is the ruler of our minds, the holy spirit rules our hearts, and the son is our flesh.
• The story of Jesus as Christ is more of an allegory of what happens to us in life as we pursue our life's work. Jesus's life work was represented as the salvation of humanity and even though he knew his fate he realized that his life's work was more important than life itself. --I'm sure several of my friends are shaking their heads in disagreement by this statement, which is okay. I'm not trying to convince anyone of my beliefs, I'm just sharing.

This is just the beginning of the discussion on religion and beliefs. I had to share a little of where I'm coming from so that you understand my subsequent points...Peace.

31

Self Prime

Stand-alone

can multiplied by many

and divided by none

odd

WHOLE

lucky

negative

natural

"understanding knowledge" in supreme mathematics

real

atomic number of gallium

-a metal

that melts

in your hand